


Forget-Me-Not Forgiveness

by Arya_Rayne



Series: Xemnas Survived AU [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Actually Xemnas may be in-character, Arya does terrible things to her favourites, Depression, Family, Found Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Melody of Memory, Out of Character Xemnas (Kingdom Hearts), Post-Kingdom Hearts III, Suicidal Thoughts, Xemnas Redemption (Kingdom Hearts), Xemnas somehow survived, Xion is an angel, You Decide, but gradually grows out of character, how he survived is not important, nobodies - Freeform, not understanding emotions, the consequences of his survival are, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-20 16:35:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30007785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arya_Rayne/pseuds/Arya_Rayne
Summary: Xemnas survived. By some stroke of misfortune he was not returned to whence he died, but he lived on after his defeat in Xehanort's war. He was brought to Radiant Garden and given a room where he was little more than a prisoner. In his time there, most of his old subordinates encountered him… and each of them had similar reactions.But then came Fourteen. Xion.
Relationships: Isa & Lea & Roxas & Xion (Kingdom Hearts), Isa & Xemnas, Lea & Xemnas (Kingdom Hearts), Roxas & Xemnas (Kingdom Hearts), Xemnas & Xion (Kingdom Hearts)
Series: Xemnas Survived AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2207415
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	Forget-Me-Not Forgiveness

**Author's Note:**

> Warning - Xemnas has some very dark and real thoughts

Meeting Ansem’s apprentices again went as well as expected. Dilan and Aeleus dragged him down to Even for a medical examination when he didn’t move on his own. Even gave a derisive snort and made an excuse about still recovering from his recompletion and left the room. Ienzo, having been left with the task of completing the examination stared at him fearfully before starting with explanations Xemnas already knew. The teenager relaxed slowly when it became clear that Xemnas wasn’t going to react to anything. Once the examination was complete, Ienzo tugged Xemnas’ black coat sleeve to prompt him into moving and led him down to a room. 

Braig was nowhere to be seen. No one spoke about that, nor did Xemnas ask. All that the former Superior did was stay in his room.

It was Larxene’s Somebody whom he met next. Elrena. Now wearing a blue jacket which matched her eyes and a black business skirt, she had accidentally stumbled into his room while trying to acquaint herself with the castle of Ansem the Wise. She started yelling at him and didn’t stop until the master of the castle himself came down and laid a hand on her shoulder. A strange look passed over Elrena’s face as she let herself be led away.

It was after that when Ansem the Wise started to pull Xemnas from his room and guide him around Radiant Garden on nothing more than simple walks to remove the Nobody from his self imposed seclusion. It was on these walks through the world that Xemnas let himself think. _Why had he survived? Why wasn’t he allowed to die? Why was he now being tormented by the loneliness which had crushed him in the moment of his defeat?_ His only solace when marching towards the Keyblade War was that he would finally die, finally be allowed to rest. But even that was taken from him.

Marluxia’s Somebody found Xemnas walking with Ansem one day. His face darkened with a rage and he punched his former Superior. Xemnas took the punch and let his body move with the impact. That would certainly bruise later. He probably deserved that and more but Ansem stepped forward and stopped Lauriam. When the pink haired man was gone, the king turned to Xemnas.

“Are you alright?”

Xemnas brushed away the concern. He was fine. _Somewhere in his chest, his newly formed, fractured heart cracked a little more._

Isa and Lea came at him together, weapons ready, flames searing Xemnas’ skin. The Nobody let them. _Let me die…_ he thought to himself. And as he lay on the ground, having been knocked down, the onslaught stopped. He didn’t see who stopped the pair finishing him off, but Xemnas could make out two vaguely familiar young voices as his consciousness slipped from him.

Death had not come to visit him, of this he was certain when he opened his eyes. The pain from untreated injuries hit him, but Xemnas forced himself to wake up. Roxas stood there, staring down at him. Xemnas looked around and recognised his room, simple, undecorated due to its occupant’s lack of desire to decorate. His black coat was hanging over the back of the only chair. He turned his gaze back to Roxas who was staring at him with a conflicted expression.

“Roxas.”

“Xemnas.”

The pair stared at each other in silence for a few moments. Blue eyes meeting a very un-Xehanort brown.

“I didn’t want to save your life,” Roxas confessed, his expression becoming a glare. “I still don’t want to. However… Xion makes a compelling argument. So once she finishes whatever conversation she’s having with Isa and Axel, she will speak to you. What happens is up to her.”

He was to die then. Quite arguably, Xion was the one he had hurt the most and in such a short time too. Roxas left with a cold smile, and Xemnas let his eyes close. He awaited the girl who’s face he had finally seen during the Keyblade War. He wondered if she loathed him with all of her new existence…?

What he did not expect was the soothing cool feeling of a curaga to wash over him. His eyes flew open again and he inspected his arms to see that burns, cuts and bruises had started to fade away. He swallowed and looked up with shock to see Xion standing there, blue eyes and black hair, gripping her Keyblade tightly in both hands. She was staring at him with eyes full of misery. Why had she healed him? Nothing was said for several long moments before the girl dismissed her weapon with a quiet sigh. 

“Have you come to torment me further?” Xemnas asked, his voice tired. Xion stared at him for just a moment longer, as if she was trying to see into his soul. Then she walked up to him slowly and gently grabbed his hands, gloved as they were. She pulled off his gloves to reveal more burns, some blisters, and bruises. She still said nothing as she once again cast her healing spell. The injuries faded away. Then she let go and took a step back.

“I forgive you,” she said simply as she looked up at him. “I forgive you for everything you’ve ever done to me.”

Xemnas’ heart froze in his chest. She what? She couldn’t possibly…! There was no way. But she had. Xemnas could see it in her sparkling blue eyes, wide and beginning to shimmer with tears.

“... why?” he asked, wanting to understand around his confusion. “How?”

“Because hating you, being angry at what you did,” Xion murmured, bringing her own hands to grasp together over her heart. “It’s a toxic feeling. It made me sick, it made me want to hide in fear, knowing you’d somehow survived. I couldn’t keep doing that. It… it took a while, but… eventually I just… forgave you, and I felt better.”

The Nobody wondered how long it had been. How long had he been drifting through this post war life he’d been cursed with? How long had it been since Xehanort’s defeat? His unawareness of time’s passage became obvious as confusion filtered onto his face. How long had he been feeling emotions for? Xion wasn’t finished speaking either.

“I didn’t feel sick, nor did I fear you,” she continued in a softer voice, though Xemnas could still hear her. “But then I started wondering… what did you feel about all of this…? And seeing you now… I now realise that for all my hate… no one in all the Worlds hates you more than you hate yourself.”

Xemnas was stunned enough that he wasn’t able to stop Xion from rushing forward and hugging him. 

“You need to forgive yourself,” she said, soulful blue eyes staring up at him. Xemnas didn’t have a response. What was he supposed to say? He didn’t have the willpower to formulate a response. He just sat there as the girl hugged him… he didn’t notice that he had started shaking, nor did he notice her grip him tighter.

“Come live in Twilight Town,” was her offer. “You can stare out a window instead of at a wall…”

Once again the question left his mouth quiet, dull and confused. “Why?” His question wasn’t so simple this time though. It was loaded with so many more questions. Why was she offering? Why Twilight Town? Why, when Isa and Lea clearly wouldn’t be happy with that?

“Because your heart needs something,” Xion replied simply. “And no one is giving it to you. You were given a chance to live, but your heart is giving up. Because… even if no one else will, I want to give you a chance.”

“Why…?”

“Because I’ve forgiven you and I want to move on with my life and you are here, hurting, and I want to heal that.”

The acceptance of the girl’s offer was quiet, worn and emotionless. Xemnas wasn’t even sure if he had spoken. But Xion drew back and smiled up at him. She promised to be back soon before she sped from the room with a bounce to her step. In the time she was gone, Xemnas only moved enough to be seated on the bed with his legs hanging over the edge, feet on the ground. He didn’t try to stand up again, he only inspected what damage had been done to his clothes. His old Organisation uniform was now tattered and while repairable, likely wasn’t worth the effort. Brown eyes lifted to look around the room. There was nothing here that he cared about, nothing he called “his”. His room was sparse and anything in it was borrowed from either Ansem or his Apprentices. A heavy feeling struck Xemnas’ heart, one he didn’t know what to call yet but felt similar to the loneliness which had flooded through him on his defeat.

When Xion returned she had a small bag which she neatly folded his ruined Organisation coat into, and then slung over her shoulders. She then grabbed his hands and pulled him gently to his feet and out the door. What a pair they must have made to anyone looking on. A short and cheerful teenage girl pulling along an expressionless, almost reactionless man. Not once did the girl let go of his hand, she even gripped it tighter when Even made a snide comment to Dilan as the strange pair passed.

Xemnas brought his hand to his chest with confusion as pain stabbed his heart. He didn’t understand… not his heart, nor why he allowed this girl to drag him along.

They were on a Gummiship to Twilight Town with Lea, Isa and Roxas ten minutes later. The air was tense, but Xemnas ignored it, instead sitting there with a bowed head, arms resting on his knees as he stared at his hands, still ungloved. He could sense the looks thrown at him, but he didn’t react. Bringing his hands together, Xemnas closed his eyes. Perhaps Roxas or Lea would kill him later… perhaps Isa would berserk and attack him… perhaps Xion would get bored of his apathetic nature. Xemnas had not expected to live, nor had anyone who had worked to defeat him. It was only expected they would try to finish what had been started.

\-----

His room in the group’s house in Twilight Town was decently sized, and it had a window seat. Far cry from his room in Radiant Garden which did not have a window as it was more inside the castle. The walls of this new room where a stark white and Xion said that he could customise the place as he wished. Xemnas chose to sit on the window seat and stare outside though. His room stayed untouched. The passage of time was only noted as moving, Xemnas didn’t bother keeping track as he moved between bed and window each day. 

Xion would visit him everyday and fill the room with endless chatter as she told him about different things, she would usually bring food with her to ensure that Xemnas was eating since he refused to leave the room. The former Superior very rarely responded to her, but she kept smiling at him.

Occasionally Xemnas would hear arguments between Isa and Lea, and Xion would come into his room and sit beside him while waiting for silence to reign once more. Eventually one argument was ended with two voices indignantly crying out.

“Xion!!”

Xemnas hadn't heard her response, nor did he know what had happened, but from the way the girl marched into his room, massaging her wrists while she demanded his company as she went to buy something, Xemnas could guess. The Nobody made no argument as Xion tossed a white t-shirt, grey sleeveless jacket and black jeans at him, and he got dressed as she instructed before leaving the room. She was waiting for him outside his room when he stepped out, and he followed her with a small smirk out of the house. They passed Lea and Isa on their way out and Xion pointedly ignored them and the bright red hand prints on their cheeks. Xemnas wondered if it was pride which boiled into his chest.

That was the day that Xemnas started counting the passage of time again.

An hour after walking out of the house with Xion, the former Superior was smiling slightly as he listened to the girl rant on and on about the argument Lea and Isa were having. It had been about him, that much he could glean from between the ever increasing childish insults Xion was spouting, and it seemed that Lea was more supportive of the black haired girl’s choice than Isa was. There was one question that remained on Xemnas’ mind though as he continued to listen.

“Why did you slap Lea if he was arguing for you?” He asked, stopping Xion in her tracks as she turned to stare at him in shock. She hadn’t expected him to speak, he never spoke unless asked a question he couldn’t answer without a short nod of sharp shake of his head. He had never initiated a conversation or asked a question in the time since the Keyblade War. Xion didn’t comment on that though, instead she focused on his question, and her face flushed scarlet.

“I can fight my own battles,” she huffed. “I don't need a block-head who is only arguing for my sake. If he’s going to argue in my place, he needs to fully support the idea he’s arguing for. He was floundering and only kept up that it was my choice.”

Xemnas looked away. He was causing this group of friends to argue.

“Are you the only one arguing for my survival?” he inquired, swallowing, fully prepared to tell the girl to stop, that he wasn't worth the effort or the arguments.

“No,” she replied, making Xemnas snap his head towards her. “Ienzo, Riku, Ventus, and Kings Ansem and Mickey are with me too. Roxas, Elrena and Terra are undecided, and mainly because they’re trying to consider what Sora would want.”

“And what does… Sora want?”

Xion looked at Xemnas, trying to assess him almost. It took a moment before she answered, her expression serious.

“Sora disappeared soon after the Keyblade War,” she said. “The Masters say it was because he overused the Power of Waking without fully understanding how it worked.”

Xehanort's plan succeeded then? Why didn’t Xemnas feel victorious? What was this heavy, drowning feeling that washed over him? _Why had he survived while Sora disappeared?_

“I am sorry,” he started, but Xion held up her hand and gave him a glare.

“Do not apologise,” came her firm command, stunning the Nobody into silence. “You survived, yes, but you’re also free now. Free to make your own choices with your own heart, not a heart forced upon you by someone else. You are Xemnas; _my friend._ You choose what happens now.”

Those words struck something deep in Xemnas. The pair continued with their little shopping trip in a silence that bordered between comfortable and awkward. That whole next week, Xemnas found himself thinking over Xion’s words, he also found himself drifting throughout the house of this strange family. Xion would beam at him whenever she saw him, and she would always stop to talk to him even if she was doing something important. Lea would make an effort to try to talk to him, but those conversations would get awkward quickly until the red head would apologize and leave. Roxas watched him silently, not acknowledging Xemnas. It was Isa who avoided him like the plague, and when avoidance was impossible, snapped out insults before leaving, not caring about Xemnas’ ever increasing flinches.

At the end of that week, Xion invited him to come out of his room and actually join them at the dinner table. Xemnas found, as he was about to agree, that Isa’s scorn echoed in his mind, changing his mind, and making him refuse. That was the first time Xemnas perceived sadness in the girl’s smile as she accepted his answer. When she promised to bring him up food, he saw a different emotion flicker over her face. Was she hurt by his refusal? As she walked away from his room to the kitchen, likely to help whoever was cooking. Xemnas placed a hand over his chest. 

Grabbing what resolve he could, he stepped out of his room and made his way to the kitchen after Xion, intent on offering to help, wanting to see her happy smile, not have her sad one haunting him. He hoped she wasn’t discouraged by his initial refusal. When he reached the door to the kitchen though, he could hear Xion talking to Isa, and he froze. The black haired teen was talking sadly, and Isa’s responses were irritated. Xemnas was about to walk in when Isa’s voice rose loudly, cutting off something Xion was saying.

“If he wants to stay there and starve then let him! It’s more than he deserves anyway!! Stop babying him so much, Xion!!!”

The resolve that Xemnas had built up shattered. The silver haired man took three steps backwards before turning on his heel and walking back the way he came. He didn’t notice the green and blue eyes staring at him with twin concern. Nor did he notice blonde hair that disappeared into the kitchen. 

Once he was in his room, he shut the door and walked to the middle. His heart was racing, he could feel unknown emotions rising inside him chaotically. What were these emotions he was feeling? Why didn’t he have a name for them? How… how does he react to these emotions? Why was he shaking?

“This is about the point where Roxas starts throwing his Keyblade around madly,” came a tired voice from his door. Xemnas looked behind him to see Lea leaning against the closed door. How had he entered? Xemnas hadn’t heard the door open.

“Xion breaks down and cries at this point,” Lea continued. “Isa punches the wall and screams. Me? I usually call up a Corridor of Darkness and go somewhere that isn’t as flammable. You though, you don’t know how to deal with your emotions, do you, Xemnas?”

“What… am I feeling?” The Nobody asked, not liking how… weak and uncertain his voice sounded. The red head sighed, shrugging.

“I can’t answer that for you,” he replied. “I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, nor do I know your heart. I can take a guess, though Xion wouldn’t want me to put answers in your mouth. So tell me, what are you feeling?”

“I…?” Xemnas’ voice broke in his confusion. He didn’t know. He didn’t know what these emotions were. He was a fragmented man with an equally fragmented heart. What was he expected to do like this? A hand came up to his shoulder and Xemnas found that Lea had crossed the room to stand in front of him.

“Instead of trying to identify your unknown emotions,” Lea hummed softly, “tell me what you already know of your own heart.”

“Why am I not dead?” Xemnas asked, his voice expressing his confusion and fear of that fact. He was afraid? “You, Isa, Roxas… you all hate me enough… why… why is Xion the only one defending me? Why have you stayed your hands? Why…? Why does my heart hurt…?”

His strength was suddenly sapped from his legs but Lea stopped him from dropping. Instead the red head caught Xemnas and lowered him to the floor so that the pair of them were sitting. A moment of hesitation afterwards and Lea guided Xemnas' head to his shoulder. The silver haired man didn’t react, trying to work out his own heart. From his shaking it was very hard to recognise any part of the former Superior of the In-between. 

“Do you know how long it’s been since the Keyblade War between us and you, Xemnas?” Lea asked quietly, sighing when Xemnas shook his head slightly. “It’s been almost a year now. And you’ve been here in this house for three months. When Isa and I first saw you that day in Radiant Garden, we were angry that you were _alive_ , understandably perhaps, but anyone could see how _dead_ you were.”

Perhaps it was an unconscious move on Lea’s part, but the former assassin had brought up his hand to run soothingly through Xemnas’ hair. The Nobody didn’t bother to tell him to stop.

“Xion is right, you know,” came a quieter breath from the red head. “There is no one in any world who hates you more than you hate yourself. And all the love and support you're receiving from Xion is conflicting with that hate. She has a big heart, big enough to not only forgive you but practically adopt you into this dysfunctional family.”

Xemnas was about to ask about Lea’s feelings, about what he thought, when Isa’s furious voice erupted from the kitchen. It seems the children had decided to ruin dinner in a fit of teenage anger, and their anger had set off the remnants of Saïx’s berserker rage.

“ISA, GET OUT AND COOL OFF!!” Lea snapped loudly, jolting Xemnas into staring up at the red head. “THIS HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH!!! ROXAS, XION, GO TO MY ROOM, GRAB THE MUNNY AND GO BEG SOMETHING OFF MCDUCK!! WE _**WILL**_ BE TALKING ABOUT THIS LATER.”

A strange silence filled the house, and Xemnas felt something shift in the air. Something had changed. Twin sets of footsteps ran about, and the heavy fury of Isa left. Xion suddenly appeared in the doorway, her eyes going wide as she saw Lea and Xemnas on the floor, the Nobody looking small and defeated. Something passed between the two friends and Xion put on her best smile.

“Is there anything you wanted us to get?” she asked.

“Just… anything Shi,” Lea told the girl. “Anything at all. Whatever Scrooge wants to give us. We’ll be hitting his dinner rush, so don’t be nuisances. Xemnas will be fine, I’ll look after him.”

“What about--?”

“Let him calm down. If he isn’t back by the time you and Rox are, I’ll go after him.”

Xion grinned. “You’ll always be there to bring your friends back, right?”

“Hah, get going brat,” Lea snickered fondly. “Got one friend right here who needs help, have that one memorised?”

 _Friend?_ Xemnas thought in surprise as Xion waved and ran out, calling for Roxas as she left. _Lea called him… a friend?_ And just like that, Xemnas gained Lea’s forgiveness. The red haired man led him to the living room where the Nobody was sat on a couch while Lea went and found a book which he picked up and brought over to Xemnas. It was a book he recognised, it was a book Ienzo had left in his room one time right after the war. He had seen it every day, when he had chosen to sit on a chair and stare at the wall. He hadn’t opened it though. 

“Ienzo came a few weeks ago and asked me to give that to you,” he said. “Told me he left a letter for you inside.”

Xemnas opened the book to find an envelope addressed to him. Opening that he read it as Lea began to talk. It was strange taking note of what mannerisms Xion had picked up from the former assassin, and it seemed the endless chatter was one of those. Momentarily Xemnas tuned out Lea and wondered if Roxas too had picked up the same mannerisms as Xion. There was a slight shift within Xemnas’ heart and perhaps he hated himself a little less. He returned his focus to reading the letter from Ienzo, and let himself be drawn into conversation by Lea. 

\-----

Two months later and the shift which had happened had made itself clear. Isa’s opinions weren’t shared by Lea or Roxas, and while the red head tried to negotiate with Isa, the two young teens were now savagely holding the blue haired man’s transgressions as Saïx against him. Lea had tried to get the pair to stop, but they clearly weren’t listening. Or at least, they didn’t do so in earshot of the red head anymore. Xemnas had once asked Xion to stop, but she had firmly told him that she would not.

“Not while you refuse to stand up for yourself.”

He had tried to point out that he could fight his own battles, to which Xion acknowledged, but then pointed out that he wasn’t, so she would continue to do so for him. So Xemnas dropped the subject and let her and Roxas be. He did tell Lea though, to which the man had rubbed his hands tiredly over his face. It was then that Xemnas noted the dark circles under the man’s eyes. It seems he already knew. Had Isa been telling him? Lea thanked Xemnas for telling him before he trudged off, in the direction of the two teens. Xion and Roxas came to Xemnas later to ask him about why he told Lea. The accusing stares he was given were almost amusing.

“It isn’t fair what Isa is doing to you!” Xion exclaimed, huffing.

“But is it fair to be causing Lea to lose sleep over this too?” Xemnas asked, making the two teens look at each other guiltily. Xion walked up to him and hugged him, pressing her face into his chest. The Nobody sighed and placed his hand on her head. Roxas shifted awkwardly until Xemnas opened his other arm and the boy darted forward to press into his side. That was how Xemnas ended up hugging two children aggrieved at a perceived injustice.

“Do recall I did much worse to Saïx,” the silver haired man murmured, “than Saïx ever did to the two of you. For Saïx, what I did is hard to and perhaps impossible to forgive.”

“It’s not right…” Xion murmured. Xemnas sighed again, feeling the cold feeling he had come to associate with guilt rise up. Why had he accepted Xion’s offer to live here? “I forgave you…”

“And Isa isn’t you,” Xemnas replied. Xion nodded miserably. The three stood in silence for a moment, Roxas silently offering his forgiveness too, Xion silently apologising, and Xemnas holding them both close in a comforting gesture which would not have been seen during the Organisation. A stronger feeling of guilt rose up in Xemnas’ heart, as he realised that Isa must feel like his family was being taken from him. It was a dizzying thought. A week later, Xion and Roxas had apologized to Isa.

Also a week later, Kairi had come to Twilight Town and was talking to Xion. Xemnas was inside his room, not wanting to intrude upon a conversation he wouldn’t be welcome in, but he did feel… relief knowing that Kairi was well. Lea and Isa had left the house with Roxas, trying to scrounge up food for lunch, so only the girls were in the house with Xemnas. An hour after arriving though, Kairi was knocking on Xemnas’ door. The former Superior suddenly recalled how desperately she had called for Sora as he had disappeared with her. Why was Kairi here now? 

“If you arrive in a world that’s neither of light nor darkness,” she started, causing Xemnas’ eyes to widen in surprise. “But somewhere on the other side…”

“Your task will be far from easy,” he continued for her, still wondering why she was here. “If that happens, you must abandon your search - we have failed. You remembered?”

Kairi nodded, wringing her hands together awkwardly. A small silence echoed before the red haired girl cleared her throat.

“Why?” She asked. “Why me? What made you choose me? It can’t have just been because I’m a Princess of Heart.”

Xemnas stared at Kairi. She had come far from the child she had been on Radiant Garden. But why was she here, asking him… he closed his eyes briefly before he sighed and looked at her. He had an answer… but likely not one she would accept, not from him. So he chose to give her a different answer… one she wouldn’t argue with, and still somewhat true. 

“I'm afraid I don’t remember…” he murmured, turning away. He could feel Kairi’s stare as an awkward silence stretched out. She coughed lightly before cautiously inviting him to come with her to the Land of Departure, maybe train. The very idea of that made Xemnas uneasy, a particular tight feeling in his stomach, a strange feeling in his throat. His refusal was cold, and his words of reason had nothing to do with others, just himself. Kairi’s hum in response was mournful but she accepted it and left.

Three days later she had returned and started to do as Xion did. Kairi became another friend in this freedom he had.

\-----

Another month passed and Isa was begrudgingly accepting that Xemnas was becoming a permanent part of this family. Kairi was becoming a regular visitor as well. Though the red headed girl never asked her question about her past again, she always invited him to come to the Land of Departure. It was always under the guise of sparring, but Xemnas could sense there was a different reason she wanted him to come. He had not yet accepted. His most recent refusal however was met with a comment which struck him yet again.

“You need to forgive yourself,” Kairi said softly, her eyes expressing a regretful sorrow as she turned and walked away, leaving Twilight Town. She waved and promised to visit again soon. Isa gave Xemnas a withered look before leading the way into town. They had to collect something at Roxas’ request and since they were out, they had also seen Kairi off. 

Later that day Xion was with Xemnas, sitting out the front of the house they shared. The black haired girl was messing around with Xemnas’ silver hair, brushing and trimming it while humming cheerfully as she carefully braided each strand. In the time since the being summoned through time for Xehanort’s purposes, Xemnas hadn’t made any effort to maintain his hair, making it longer and far messier, and Xion decided it was time to deal with that. While she was working though, Xemnas asked a question.

“Xion, what is hate?”

The teen paused briefly before she resumed what she was doing. She seemed to think about the question before giving her answer.

“Hate is… disgust, discontent, anger, rage, fury, all directed at someone or something,” Xion replied, her voice wavering slightly. “It feels different to everyone. For me it was feeling sick, all these emotions boiling inside me, wanting release. Isa once told me that his hate is cold, like all the warmth and light is gone and all he’s left is dark cold.”

“What does my hate feel like…?” the Nobody asked. Xion hummed softly, before she gasped with an epiphany. Xemnas suddenly found a mirror being pressed into his hands and the girl handing it to him was gently pushing his hands up so that he could see his own face. Had he truly not looked in a mirror since coming to Twilight Town? His hair, while much neater since Xion had started working on it, was ragged, longer, his eyes were brown, filled with helplessness and desperation, and his face looked worn and tired.

“What do you feel?” Xion asked simply. 

“Confusion,” Xemnas replied, staring at his reflection, his face beginning to twist. “Like I have been thrown into the water and I’m being pulled under. Just a tool, useless and broken. No purpose. Used and discarded. I… I’m… alive and that is cold.”

Xion’s arms wrapped around him and with the mirror in his hands, Xemnas could see the tears forming in her eyes. 

“That is what your hate feels like,” she whispered. “You don’t hate anyone except yourself, and perhaps Xehanort as well. It’s eating away at you… that is what hate does.”

Xemnas remained silent, staring at his reflection until he felt he couldn’t stand to see his own face any longer. He set the mirror aside and sagged, finding himself leaning into Xion. 

“You should come with us to the Land of Departure tomorrow,” the black haired girl hummed. This time Xemnas didn’t refuse.

“Alright,” he replied. The beaming smile that Xion gave him, made the hate in his heart lessen. Perhaps if it were for Xion, and the family she pulled him into, he would accept that he survived.

\-----

The Land of Departure was different from Castle Oblivion, it was brighter, more colourful… more welcoming if Xemnas allowed himself to admit so. He was leaning against the wall as he watched Xion face off against Terra in a sparring match. He was standing with Aqua and Kairi who kept glancing at him, and they were standing in the courtyard. Roxas and Lea were on the other side of the courtyard practicing different stances. Ventus was unfortunately out, visiting Master Yen Sid to talk to the old wizard about something. Isa was nowhere to be seen however. Nowhere, that is, until the blue haired man marched out of the castle and towards Xemnas. Everyone else stopped what they were doing to look at the man who stopped before the Nobody and crossed his arms.

“Fight me,” he demanded simply. Isa’s voice was neutral, but it was still a demand, it was still a firm statement. Cyan eyes were as hard as steel. Xemnas had to stop himself from flinching as he tried to meet the man’s gaze. From the grass, Xion ran up to stand beside Xemnas, her own blue eyes shimmering with worry. _Xion was worried for him._ He almost refused, his mouth opened to deny Isa. But Xemnas found his gaze meeting Aqua’s. The blue haired woman could have been Isa’s sister, but her face was supportive and she gave him a nod. He could feel Xion’s hand come up to grip his sleeve. The girl was worried. When he looked down at her, she stared back before nodding.

Giving a nod to Isa, trying to keep the action as sharp as it had been when he was the Superior of the In-between. Xemnas wasn’t sure if he had succeeded, but he turned on his heel and walked onto the grassy courtyard. He kept his back to Isa, likely mistakenly, but he didn’t dare let the blue haired man see the doubt on his face. He hadn’t summoned his Ethereal Blades since the war. Swallowing thickly, he gestured a single hand to the side and summoned its glowing red blade. His heart quailed at the thought of summoning it’s pair, so he did not and turned on his heel to face Isa. Breath catching in his throat when he saw Lunatic in Isa’s hand, Xemnas tried to clear his mind before he jumped forward, his empty hand clenched tightly behind his back.

He should have said no. He should have walked away. That he could tell the moment he blocked the claymore. It was less of a block and more of a messy deflection and dodge. With only a single weapon to use, without the twin red blades in his hands, he was at a disadvantage that compounded onto the lack of recent practice. Logically he could have and perhaps should have summoned his second blade, but in his heart, Xemnas knew he could not. Thus did the fight continue, Xemnas only using one weapon.

Unfortunately his use of a single weapon made Isa angry. An expression reminiscent of the berserker rage of Saïx flickered across the blue haired man's face. Power began to coil around Isa.

“You mock me by not fighting with your full strength?!?” Isa spat. “Am I not worthy of your full fury, _Xehanort?!? **Why won’t you just die?!?”**_

The burning sensation of tears sprung to Xemnas’ eyes as he weakly blocked another furious swing from the Somebody. This was his full strength, this was the strength of his heart; his weak, battered, fractured heart. And it was giving up…

“Xemnas…?”

The uncertain voice of Xion made him look over for a fatal moment and Lunatic threw him across the courtyard. It was sheer desperation that had Xemnas bringing up his hands and blocking the follow-up strike with both Ethereal Blades. Meeting Isa’s furious gaze, Xemnas broke, tears slipping from his eyes. He wanted to live. Xemnas _wanted_ to live. He wanted to have Xion smile at him when something went right, to listen to Roxas rant about whatever issue was happening in Twilight Town, to laugh at Lea's stories and create and tell his own.

“What more do you want from me?!” He asked, his voice choking up. “What can I do to atone in your eyes?!? How can I possibly atone for being Nothing since I first existed?!? How can I atone for what I did to all of you??!? There is _nothing_ I can do except apologise and suffer what punishment you deem fit. But none of you will kill me!!! So why?!? _Why am I still here suffering?? If you wanted to kill me, you should have when I **wanted to die!!!”**_

His heart couldn’t take any more battering and shattered there, his Ethereal Blades disappearing as he fell to his knees, breaking into wretched sobbing. If there was any Superior left in him it was surely gone now. Arms wrapped around him, familiar and comforting, quiet words of comfort were murmured into his ears.

“I want to live,” Xemnas whispered out loud, around his sobs. 

“I know,” Xion replied, before she straightened. Xemnas could hear her talk, she gave assurances to Aqua, Lea and Roxas, she asked Terra if Xemnas could stay a while, but it was what Xion said to Isa which stood out.

“Xemnas was given a chance to actually live, to not be a puppet or a tool of someone else’s will. So let him live it, and help him understand what Xehanort never let him understand.”

That night, Xemnas slept in a spare room of the castle on the Land of Departure, Xion curled up on one side of him, Roxas on the other, both teens pressed into his sides. The blonde boy had claimed it was because he was looking out for Xion, but Xemnas didn’t believe him.

That night, Xemnas slept soundly, for once realising he had been sleeping with a wellspring of self-hatred which had now begun to shrink. That night, with unspoken permission from these two teens, Xemnas forgave himself.

**Author's Note:**

> I asked myself a few months ago "How would everyone react if Xemnas survived the end of KH3?" and I was going through the list of Org 13 members and I stopped at Xion. This was both a look into Xemnas' growing heart and letting it develop further, while bombarding it with things that would make it fracture, while letting Xion be the complete angel she is and try to keep Xemnas from shattering. I took the end of KH3 and I was all "Well let's make Xemnas survive and see what happens"
> 
> If you all want to see more to this Xemnas Survives AU I will be happy to write more.


End file.
